TraviDasBlog!

Taqu'il

He's a one-hit-wonder, global warming

Killface

-cured it!

Taqu'il

His foreign policy is unrealistic

Killface

global warming

Taqu'il

His domestic policy is nonexistent

Killface

global warming

Taqu'il

healthcare

Killface

global warming

Taqu'il

welfare reform

Killface

global warming

Taqu'il

man do you even know what these terms mean?

Killface

I... know that I cured global warming, so...

Taqu'il

he's a one-trick-pony

Killface

well, it's a big pony

- Frisky Dingo

Not really, but from the sounds of this article, Futurama wasn't that far off. I love the Pepsi/Coke bit from that episode:

Man: And you, Sir? How can I horse you?

Hermes: I'll have a horse Coke.

Man: Horse Pepsi okay?

Hermes: Nay.

Some great quotes from Conan this past week...

"Officials are saying that it's going to take 80 days to drain all the floodwater from Hurricane Katrina out of New Orleans. When he heard this, President Bush said '80 days? That's almost half a vacation.'"

"The U.S. government has chartered three cruise ships to house families displaced by Hurricane Katrina. Because if it's one thing those people want to see, it's more water."

"Yesterday a spokesperson for NBC said that Kanye West's recent comment that President Bush doesn't care about black people does not reflect the opinion of NBC. Actually, it's NBC's primetime line-up that suggests NBC doesn't care about black people."

This week, U.S. border agents discovered more than 900,000 dollars worth of cocaine hidden inside a shipment of bananas. Police are currently questioning a jittery chimp driving a Ferrari. Conan O'Brien

My favorite one is:

"Oh my gosh, this cotton tunic is fabulous!" (hey_hon)

(...not that there's anything wrong with that!)

Dennis Miller - I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate... [Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin - What the hell does rant mean?

aim:familyguyquote

...except that Spaf's analogies actually make sense. The dude definitely knows his stuff, that's for sure.

Bush Gives Us The Largest Deficit in History (btw, the quote in the title was posted by Kerryvancouver)

From page 189 of the 9-11 report:

"It would scare the shit out of al-Qaida if suddenly a bunch of black ninjas rappelled out of helicopters in to the middle of their camp. It would get us an enormous deterrence and show those guys we're not afraid." - Bill Clinton [2000]

Don: Vote for Summer.

Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.

Don: Then who you gonna vote for?

Napoleon Dynamite: I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?
[Don scoffs and walks away]

Napoleon Dynamite: Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?
[Don hands Napoleon a "Vote 4 Summer" button]

Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away]

(from imdb)

According to W3Schools. While that's only 1/8th of IE-based browsers, that's still a significant chunk (more than IE5 browsers at least). XP was the fastest growing OS this past month (+1.3%), with Linux following in a distant 2nd (+0.2%). Although here's a quote from the page: "You cannot - as a web developer - rely only on statistics. Statistics can often be misleading. [...] Also be aware that many stats may have an incomplete or faulty browser detection. It is quite common by many web stats report programs, not to detect new browsers like Opera and Netscape 6 or 7 from the web log." They also include some notable statistics quotes.

I'm probably going to disappear for making fun of Bush twice in a row, but oh well:
"I want to thank my friend, Sen. Bill Frist, for joining us today. … He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. (Laughter.) Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."—Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

"It's like somebody drove us into a ditch, and you're saying that should be the guy to drive us out." - Jon Stewart talking about the miserable failure that is W

Military Guy: Copy Uh-oh. Chopper Dave, we have Uh-oh, over.
Chopper Dave: Uhhh-ohhhhh!
I think Sealab is just as funny when you read it, as when you watch it. Look at how many times they say "Uh Oh".

[Edit]: I just noticed in the script that there is a reference to a UFO having a Canadian flag on it. Coincidence???

Carl: Look at my friggin' car! It's been crushed to bejesus and back!

The Reg says file sharers are not guilty of copyright infringement under Canadian law. "I cannot see a real difference between a library that places a photocopy machine in a room full of copyrighted material and a computer user that places a personal copy on a shared directory linked to a P2P service," said the Canadian judge. This is just another reason to move to Canada. They have free health care, cuban cigars, their president isn't a miserable failure, US currency is worth more over there, they have the better side of Niagara Falls, they use the metric system, the list could go on and on. Maybe when the fast ferry gets here I'll commute (not for $80/day though).

"You don't overexpose an asset like the governor"

Kucizzle in the Hizzle!

"How come they didn't found BIG and 2Pacs murderer but they arrest OJ the next day?! Nicole Simpson can't rap!" - Dave Chappelle

"Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off."—Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004

Now I know that if I were to talk as much as the president does, I'd probably say some stupid things. But this guy is the commander in chief of the most powerful army in the world. After reading those quotes, who would be able to vote for him? Dan Quayle and Yogi Berra can't hold a candle to him. His term isn't even up yet and he's already had 3 books and a calendar published full of only the stupid shit that he's said.

because of this jerk
"But the true strength of America is found in the hearts and souls of people like Travis, people who are willing to love their neighbor, just like they would like to love themselves."—W. Springfield, Mo., Feb. 9, 2004

In a crisis I ask myself, 'What would Tony Danza do?'

Frylock: Go destroy Balloonenstein. Pop the balloon with the glass!
Meatwad: Do what now?
Frylock: With the glass!
Meatwad: Yeah, I know........Do what now?
Frylock: Damn it, he needs his brain - otherwise he's just gonna float around forever saying, "Do what now?" He needs his brain back.
Meatwad: Do what now?
Shake: Well, too bad, cuz it's now the nerve center of the city of the future. And, Frylock - they use starfish for money!
Meatwad: Do what now?

"Linux is only free if your time is worth nothing" - jwz

Kevin Morton: Doesn't it look like I'm ready? I am always ready! I have been ready since first call! I am ready! Roll!

There's no basement in the Alamo!

Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?!

Be sure and tell 'em Large Marge sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh.

Area man goes and gets himself hit by a goddamn bus (onion)

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building...And when they pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this...

I wouldn't sell my bike for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, billion, trillion dollars!

This is one of my favorite parts of the tour. Say hello to our residents, Pedro and Inez. Pedro is working on an "adobe." Can you say that with me? [Tour group responds, "Adobe."]

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Ben Franklin

this is my united states of whatever! "then i'm throwing dice in the alley, and officer leroy comes up, and he's like 'hey i thought i told you' - and i'm like - 'yeah, whatever!'"

It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

"tastes like grandma"

yeah. i'm all alone. i'm rolling a big donut and there's a snake wearing a vest.

"Then there was the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches." W. I. E. Gates

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics." Benjamin Disraeli

"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." Mark Twain

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." Oscar Wilde

"Adults are obsolete children." - Dr. Seuss

FREAKY! OUTTIE! FREAKY! OUTTIE! FREAKY! OUTTIE! FREAKY! OUTTIE!

where's the "any" key?

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

He who expects no gratitude shall never be disappointed

Carl: "Someone want to tell me why my pool is full of hot dog chunks and dirty dishes?"
Master Shake: "Oh Carl, you didn't mess with that did you? 'Cause it's got to set up for a few days with the battery."
Carl: "The battery?"
Master Shake: "Yeah, you know, the one from your car? I dumped some shampoo in there too but it's dog shampoo so I don't know if it's gonna work, but we're prayin' like hell that it does."
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force

"Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark." - Nelson Muntz

Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! (see my fark)

Marco: "If I have to be 5 feet nothing, Hesh can't be a tiger!"
Capt. Murphy: "You're not the boss of Tigerbot Hesh!"
Marco: "Then he has to live in a robot zoo! Hear that, Hesh? A zoo! Ha!"
Hesh: "Well, then Hesh will stay human."
Sparks: "Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars."
Hesh: "Yeah? Well have fun on the robot reservation, suckers! We're not going to honor those bogus treaties!"
- "I, Robot", Sealab 2021

"It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!" - Capt. Murphy, Sealab 2021

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.

You must experience failure to appreciate success.

Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkled duct tape

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Okay Mr. Penguin. I'm gonna take you to the zoo where you'll meet some nice people, they'll treat you real respectable like.

i refuse to play your chinese food mind games

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you fart.

my other penis is a vagina

got captions?

"Alright fatty, outta the pipe!" - Chief Wiggum

are you neglecting your primal desires?

...space spear, shoots lasers, mmm-hmm, PEEOWW!

An hour with friends is worth more than ten with strangers.

About Bush: "the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'." - Chris Rock

If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?

"You're always hearing something
Until silence interrupts it
Like dinosaur burps"
-- sifl

maybe you'll think this is cool, maybe you won't

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances during the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 42 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

this dude's funny

Meatwad: Hey now guys look i do not wanna do anything illegal here, but i will kill somebody in front of their own mamma to get a 10 speed. Now if anybody testifies against me I gouge their eyes out.
Er: Lets go get drunk and rip off a 10 speed.
Meatwad: Yea we'll get a basket and a horn on the handle.

hahahahaha, thanx ralph.

Zorak: So here's what we do. We go back to Friday,
Brak: And we make a kite outta squirrels and fly it to the moon!
Zorak: No, we track ourselves down,
Brak: Then what?
Zorak: We make our other selves do the homework!
Brak: Hey, Zorak, can I ask you a question?
Zorak: Yeah, what?
Brak: Where are we gonna find enough squirrels to make a kite?
Zorak: Are you really that stupid?
Brak: Oooh! I dare you to say that again! Only this time, say 'Brak, I love you!'
Zorak: Let's go

jason - ...i like the music, but sometimes it gets too loud and my ears bleed
melissa - that's because you're standing right next to the speakers
jason - well it's hard to hear this music with all this blood in my ears
melissa - that's gross
jason - this one time i stuck a toothpick in my ear
melissa - you mean a q-tip?
jason - no a toothpick... and it broke off
melissa - what happened?
jason - nothing, i've never told anyone about it until now

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

One to do it and one to moan.

The back of my hand.

Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
Nothing is static, everything is evolving...
everything is falling apart. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
We are all part of the same compost heap.
We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.
You are not your bank account,
you are not the clothes you wear,
you are not the contents of your wallet,
you are not your bowel cancer,
you are not your grande latte,
you are not the car you drive,
you are not your fucking khakis.
You have to give up,
you have to realize that someday you will die.
Until you know that,
you are useless.
I say, let me never be complete.
I say, let me never be content.
I say, deliver me from Swedish furniture.
I say, deliver me from clever art.
I say, deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth.
I say, you have to give up.
I say, evolve and let the chips fall where they may.
This is your life, good to the last drop.
This is your life, it doesn't get any better than this.
This is your life, and its ending one minute at a time...